Bass Masters (transcript)
Episode: Bass Masters episode begins in the morning with a shot of the woods and the river. Announcer: Good morning, it's dawn! So grab your pole and put your canoe in the water. Cause it's time for... moves over to a cabin. Bass Masters! to a gallery of fish trophies. Among them is a head-trophy of Muddy Mudskipper These are the trophies of a lifetime. They represent the tramps of a true sportsmen. A man who is taking a mare smort, and elevated to the level of fine art. The lake if is campus. The fish is paint. The hook is paintbrush. And now, let us join the master bass-er himself, Ren Hoek! Ren: seen on his desk. He then turns to the audience Oh, hello folks. On today's show, we search for a grand daddy of all fish. The legendary foul-mouthed bass. And we'll get going. As soon I'm finish tying this here fly. to a fly tied to a hook, nearly losing it. Fly: loudly COME ON, MAN! BREATHE DOWN ON THAT LINE! I'M A MAN! I CAN TAKE IT! Ren: Well, it's 5 am. Time to wake up my assistant, Stimpy. shouting HEY, LAZYBONES! to Stimpy in bed DRAG YOUR WORTHLESS BUTT OUT OF BED NOW! AND DON'T FORGET THE WORMS!! Stimpy: Okey dokey, Ren. tosses the covers to review a second cover made entirely out of the bait, consisting of only worms Wake up babies, time to go to work. to the dock Ren: Carrying the equipment is a lot easier when you share the load. I've got the tackle and Stimpy's got the bait. wearing a first-mate's outfit, is carried off to the boat by the bait Well, here we are at the boat. Ain't he a beaut? scene And now to store our gear. drops the gear at the boat Just a few more necessities. kisses the harpoon for luck and drops it into the boat. Ren drops a nuclear missile in the boat, then a fish radar satellite system, then a caged snarling bear, whom he also kisses for luck before dropping it onto the boat. Cut to Stimpy's bait bringing a picnic basket over to Stimpy Stimpy: Thank you. drops the picnic basket at the boat. Thank you! Gracias! Ren: HEY WORMBOY! LOAD UP THE STUPID BOAT AND QUIT FOOLING AROUND! screen pans to the Ping Ping Federal Penitentiary. The stranger (Wilbur Cobb) escapes from jail. Wilbur Cobb stops to catch his breath and spots Ren and Stimpy on the boat Ren: Alright, First mate. ANCHORS AWA- Wilbur Cobb: offscreen Hold on! Comin' aboard! Cobb runs up to them and jumps into the boat. Don't tell me you're gonna fish in these treacherous waters without an Indian guide. Give me 2 bucks for an interficial(?). You'll need the help of me, Big uhh.. Big Chief uhhhh... Eddie uhh... LIGHTNING FROG! Yeah! Eddie Lighning-Frog! The greatest whole lotta bunch a, a bunch a c- Ren: ALRIGHT ALREADY! You can go! Cobb and Stimpy scream excitedly..Ren revs up the boat motor (as a fish jumps onto Wiber's shoulder) and he group rides off with Stimpy losing his hat from the speed impact. Fade-in to a close-up of Ren When fishing for the grand lunger, to a view of the boat, surrounded by water-mines ..all we have to do is sit back and wait. Cobb and Stimpy are also fishing with their own poles. Fish: offscreen YOOHOO! over to the two Heyheyhey, over here! Over here! Cobb and Stimpy wave back. Soon, every fish jumps out and call out to them for attention. One of them calls outs "Are you blind?" Stimpy: Uhh, excuse me Ren but I-I-I think we should move the- Ren: Shut up, this is the spot. Wilbur Cobb: Now you want my advice.. Ren: shouting WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!? THIS IS THE RIGHT SPOT!!! NOW SHUT UP OR YOU'LL SCARE AWAY THE FIIIISH!!!! (still wearing his rage-face), Wilbur Cobb and Stimpy wait in silence. Time skips forward a few hours later into nighttime, then another few hours into the morning. By then, Ren, Stimpy and Wilbur Cobb are now freezing and catching icicles. Stimpy then coughs, prompting Ren to officially lose it there. Ren: furiously ERRRGGHH! THAT'S IT! Poles up, everyone, no use fishin' now! You just scared away all the fish! Cobb and Stimpy look at each other dumbfounded. Fade-in to a close-up of Ren Hello folks, here we are again. Well, since that eediot and his smelly friend scared all the fish away. We just have to lure the fish back. That's why I fixed up a nice big pile of chum. Would you just look at that? Mmm-mmm-mmm. scene You know, it's funny. All this stuff is, is fish guts and cattle offal. But the fish go ape for it. drops the chum at the water..A couple of fish gather and notices the chum. They squeal in excitement, grab their straws, and start sucking down on the chum. Cut back to Ren. Yes sir, the fish will be here any minute. pans to Wilbur Cobb, who is putting sun lotion on Stimpy's back. Stimpy takes a box of "Kracky-Jacks" and dumps the contents on his tongue. A fish whistle drops out among them and catches Stimpy's attention with joy Stimpy: Oh boy! Looky, big Wilber. A fish whistle! blows the fish whistle. Fish leaps on the boat, flopping all about. Wilbur Cobb: Calm down, girly. You'll scare away the fish. the fish with a baseball bat Fish: to Oh, thanks man. I needed that. Stimpy: a box of "Kracky-Jacks" Krackity-Jacks? Fish: Yeah! I haven't had these since I was an egg. fish stuffs a Kracky-Jack in his mouth Stimpy: Oh boy, this is the life, eh, fellas? Ren: growls How do you like that!? These morons are catching MY fish with Kracky-jacks! fish from earlier are still eating chum behind Ren's back, but only this time the smaller fish dumps all the chum into the bigger fish's mouth. Fade-in to a bunch of fish decoys out on the lake floating Okay, we've got our fish decoys out and the harpoon is loaded. You see, Fish love to loiter. And when they see other fish hanging around, they can't resist the urge to join in! And my keen fishing instincts tell me that my prey is at hand. fish peers out of the lake among the crowd of fish decoys. He pops out suddenly, revealing to be the Salesman in the form of the fis.h Salesman (as fish): the fish decoys Howdydoo, neighbor! to another decoy Howdydoo, neighbor! over to another Howdydoo, neighbor! over to Ren, giving him a handshake Howdydoo, neighbor! Why are ya hanging with all of these stiffs for? Hmmm, still using these outmoded fish methods, eh? Your fish are onto those old tricks. You've got to be modern! Up to date! And I've got my space-age answer to your fishing needs right here. A CobbCo Pocket Weasel! Guaranteed to catch a jillion fish! And it fits in your pocket. Ren: A jillion fish, huh? WOW! put the cop code pocket weasel in his pocket. Hey, it does fit in my pocket. CobbCo Pocket Weasel buzzes like a razor and shaves the waistline of Ren's fishing pants off, his underwear is shown. Stimpy: HEY, I wanna try. the Pocket Weasel and puts it in his pocket Ohh, that's nice. Huh? pulls out his catch from where he put it Well, look at that! Ren: stunned WHA?!? Stimpy: A 10 pound crappie. Go get yourself a rubdown, kiddo. Crappie: Yeah, thanks Stimpy. offscreen Salesman (as fish): HEY! Save me some Kracky-jacky! Ren: Well, hold up a minute! I just wanna know ONE thing! What's your secret? Stimpy: It's easy, Ren. I speak fish. Watch me now. sticks his head in the lake and speaks in fish as said. A trout listens in to the dialect and swims up. Cut to a fish beauty parlor (in fish talk) Free pork rinds! fish wearing curls them swims off upward. Cut to three shrimps in a cookout grilling up human fingers on a barbecue Free dinner! shrimp dash off upwards. Cut back to the boat, as the fish hop on one by one on the boat in a conga line with Stimpy, welcoming them aboard with an open hand. Ren repeatedly slams his head on the floor in frustration. Stimpy: Alright everybody, make yourself at home. Would you like a vienna sausage? Ren: Well, there he is! Mr. Fish talk! This talk is also WRONG, YOU'VE CHEATING! I DESERVE THIS FISH! ME! taking fish Come here, you! YOU TOO! YOU GUYS TOO, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME! Voice: offscreen Just one GOSH DARN DANG DING DONG CATTLE FREAKING MINUTE!!! next scene reveals Albert the Foul-Mouthed Bass, who has gotten onto the boat. The fish are shocked and in awe by his unexpected appearance, chattering of him by name. Fish #2: It's Albert the Foul-Mouth Bass! Albert: Ren DROP THOSE DANG BLASTED FISH! trembles Look at you, Mr. Big Shot sportsmen. YOU with your dang-fancy gear and mother-lovin' scientific equipment. But what do we fish have, HUH!? NOTHIN. Nothing but.. shattered nerves and fish hooks. SEE? tongue is full of hooks and strings. The trouble with jerks like YOU is... you don't understand FISH! Ren: I.. I could learn. Albert: Well, I shouldn't be nice. But, okay. Ya see, the trick is you gotta think like a fish. So why don't YOU jump in the lake and swim around and I'll try to catch ya. Ren: off his clothes OKAY! in the water and hides in the log. Ren looks out for a lure. Cut to the boat with Albert with the fishing pole to an audience of fish, including the salesman fish, Wilber Codd, and Stimpy Stimpy: Are the Ren biting today? Albert: Nah, nothing yet. takes notice of the lure and, like a fish, squeals and goes after it. Cut to Albert, who notices his pole moving Wait a minute... to Ren pursuing the lure at high-speed. Cut back to Albert with Wilber and Stimpy watching in anticipation I think... back to Ren, who's gets closer and closer to it. Then back to Albert, Wilber, and Stimpy Yes, yes... to Ren as he closes in on the lure and bites it. His face turns dumbfounded to resemble that of a fish. Fade-in to last scene with Ren, in the same expression, mounted on the wall and labeled as The Dumb Bass. Camera moves back to an elderly Albert with his grandson perched on his knee And that's how your old grandma landed that pesky critter! but stops on the mounted Ren, who blinks before the iris resumes like a blink, ending the episode. Category:Episode Transcripts